She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
