This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
