We won't sleep together?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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