I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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