Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
