I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
