Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
