I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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