If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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