Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
