She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
