I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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