Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
