I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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