i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
