Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
