You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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