I never want to see another naked old woman again.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
