I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
