My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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