I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
