sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
