When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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