she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
