It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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