I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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