my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
