I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
