Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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