So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
