I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
