my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
