and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
