I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like his penis was on wheels.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
