please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This house was built for laser tag.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
