I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
