I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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