I can text with my tongue
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
