My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
