I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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