you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
