Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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