i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
