Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We need to get me chipped asap
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
