You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
