I didn't shave. On purpose
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
