my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
