I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
