i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
im six kinds of drunk right now
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
