Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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