she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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