I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
